My *First Pregnancy
Meg Miller Photography
Six years ago, I shared our pregnancy announcement on Facebook, and all the love, excitement, and well-wishes started pouring in. It was wonderful to receive such support, but something most people didn’t know was that I waited until I was 24 weeks along to publicly announce because I had previously miscarried and even had a bleeding scare in the early days of this pregnancy. Back then I had only told a small handful of people about the miscarriage, and the truth is that I felt very alone and anxious when it happened. So I am sharing my experience at the bottom of this post for anyone who wants to or needs to hear about pregnancy loss.
Back to Layla. I spent the first 24 weeks with a lot of anxiety and worry that I was going to miscarry again, but of course I was also cautiously thrilled to be pregnant. I didn’t want to celebrate in any way until we got far enough along that the risk of loss was low. Well things were rarely calm because at 17 weeks I was diagnosed with a short cervix and put on limited mobility. I could only drive to and from work and that was about it. No exercise, no dancing, and no walking more than two blocks. Michael, who had competed in the Ironman the summer we were first dating, loved to joke about how he married a bed slug because I didn’t have a workout routine. Well thank goodness for that because I started contracting at 32 weeks and was then put on strict bedrest after a quick stay at the hospital. Layla arrived safe and healthy at 38 weeks, but that story is for another post!
Aside from all of the anxiety and worry that came along with this pregnancy, I have to admit that I loved my changing body. I was always quite petite so growing and gaining this weight was a new and fun experience for me (minus all of the heartburn)!
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Meg Miller Photography
our bora bora baby
Michael and I got married in November and by the time we returned back to NY after the festivities and our honeymoon in Bora Bora, I had a positive pregnancy test. We were overjoyed! We saw my doctor at six weeks and then went for an ultrasound. Christmas was a few days away. At the ultrasound we learned that there was no heartbeat and that it appeared that we were only five weeks along so the timing didn’t line up. There was speculation that the stress of the wedding and the long haul flights for our honeymoon may have set my schedule behind. Perhaps I had a delayed ovulation. We left with disappointment and an appointment to return in two weeks for another scan. We were supposed to head out for Christmas week celebrations that night, but we were so worried and upset that we stayed home for a couple days until we came to terms with what was very likely going to happen. The next ten days were spent hoping and praying and full of anxiety.
I woke up on the morning of New Year’s Eve with bleeding and my doctor did some blood tests to have my levels checked. I have an RH negative blood type which means anytime I experience pregnancy related bleeding, it is accompanied by trips to the hospital for monitoring and a Rhogam shot. There was nothing to do except wait to see if it would stop. It was a long night. The next day as the bleeding continued, the cramping began and I eventually passed the tissue on my own while Michael was out at CVS trying to find me a heating pad and some more painkillers. I was nine weeks along.
I spent the next few weeks mourning the loss, avoiding others and playing a lot of video games to keep my mind distracted. I think about and remember my first baby at the turn of every new year.
When I reflect on my pregnancy with Layla (who I got pregnant with on my first cycle after the miscarriage), I always think about our Bora Bora Baby because they go hand in hand. Without the loss of BBB, our Layla wouldn’t be here so the feelings are now bittersweet!